by Christl Jan Tiu, Cavite
I have daunting dreams. When I was 13, I used to write my dreams in a violet journal. I called it my dream notebook. Up until now, I still have it with me. I used to read it from time to time to remind me of my dreams. Whenever I flip through its pages, I can't help but wonder 'What in the world was I thinking when I wrote these dreams?' Let me share with you some of the dreams written there... Dream #1: To develop an efficient educational system in the Philippines where mentorship is the main instructional model Dream #2: To become a best-selling author of books that inspire people through creative non-fiction and short stories and own a publishing company Dream #8: To build foundations for elderly house helpers abandoned by their family Those are only 3 or my 28 big dreams. As a teenager, I was always worried, perhaps, afraid is a better word. In the spectrum of people, I fall on the perfectionist side. I was terrified of being wrong, of being weak, of having flaws. Whenever I start on a project, I can't help but ask myself, am I doing it right? I hated messing up. This attitude got me stuck. Instead of acting and reaching for my dreams, I was preoccupied in doing things to avoid making a mistake. I did everything to make my craft perfect. I studied, listened to audio books, took courses... But, after 6 years, I was still making plans. Nothing done. I was left with regrets. I was discouraged especially when people close to my heart, the same people who I look to when I needed strength, the same people who I want to dream with me, tells me, in good faith, that I was daydreaming, that dreaming was useless, that I should just focus on my studies and getting a job after college, that it was too dangerous, that I should do this because they said so, that I should just dream small so that I wouldn't get disappointed. It was hard. So, I gave up. I tuck my dream notebook and my Novena to God's Love (free prayer booklet given at the Feast) amidst a pile of unused notebooks. I asked God, "Why give me these dreams? If even I can't make myself believe that I can do it?" That day, I stopped dreaming. Every day after that was a drag. I just studied because I needed to. Because, my mother would go berserk if I fail. Waking up in the morning became a struggle. Sleeping was a temporary escape. And everything between those two is a battle between me and life. After 8 months, the camp was no exception. I have always wanted to join Camp Calye since 2012. But, my mother always refuses my request to join it. In 2014, I initially planned not to join the camp. I lost my interest in those kinds of events. I pretended to be excited and asked my mother for permission knowing that she will refuse. I was utterly surprised, she didn't. She just asked me to bring one other friend to accompany me as a condition. I felt a slight pinch in my heart. "Give this a chance" Despite the voices in my head saying that I would just be disappointed; that this camp is pointless, I packed my bags and prepared for camp. Lots of things happened in the camp, but the one thing that was the most memorable for me was when we were asked to partner with a friend and tell that friend who we would be years from now. I hesitated to tell my dreams but I said it anyway. "I am a writer, a published author... on and on..." What struck me the most was my partner's reaction. She didn't reject it. She didn't say that it was too big. She just smiled and said, "wow." That was my biggest blessing. That day, I decided to live my dreams again. After camp, I decided to look at my dream notebook again. I read every dream. Visualized each one. And in my heart, there was that small voice that told me, "Maliit pa yan." (Those dreams are too small) I smile to myself "oo nga eh." (yes, they are) That night, I took a pen and an unused small green notebook and wrote new dreams. Today, whenever I look at my dreams, I still find myself asking, "what in the world was I thinking when I wrote this?" But now, I also find myself saying, "I can't possibly do this... But I know You can." I realized that chasing meaning is better than avoiding discomfort. So, is started making messes. I started small with short essays, then short stories, and now, I started writing a novel. It's still in the making, but if you want to read it, here's a link http://www.wattpad.com/54817153-cheating-death I realized that it doesn't only take skill and talent to accomplish something, one needs a heart that trusts with ordinary courage to see extraordinary things to come to pass. For dreamers out there, don't just plan. Let's make a mess together. (email me: christl_jan_tiu@yahoo.com.ph)
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AuthorThese articles were written and sent in by young people who experienced Camp CALYE. They were blessed immensely. And they want you to experience that same blessing too. Archives
April 2016
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